31,536,000 seconds

One year = 12 months = 52 weeks = 365 days = 8760 hours = 525,600 minutes = 31,536,000 seconds without my sweetheart.

It’s hard to believe that today is the year anniversary of Brent’s passing and yet here it is.  If you had asked me a year ago if I would survive to see this day I would have stared at you speechless and unresponsive; unable to imagine how it would be possible to make it through.  Throughout the year there were even some days when I wasn’t sure if I could make it through the next moment, never mind more than 31 million of them.  And still here I am.

I could list the things that are missing without Brent here, but quite frankly none of you has the kind of time it would take to read the long list of things that are just wrong without him here.  It’s quite extensive.  But when I focus on those things, it makes each moment feel like an hour – time slows and sadness creeps in.  In order to keep myself sane, I try to focus on the new, unexpected blessings that have come from creating a whole new chapter in my life.  One of the greatest blessings I have noticed so far is that I’m becoming more brave.  By brave, I mean that I touched an actual starfish at an aquarium a couple of weeks ago (it felt like a rock) and went on Splash Mountain at Disneyland yesterday (oh my goodness…so high off the ground).  I even ate lobster bisque the other day (I have to admit it was quite tasty).  For anyone who knows me well, you understand the magnitude of what I have accomplished 🙂  These are all things I had the opportunity to do before, but passed because I was afraid.  It sounds silly now that I put it in writing, but it’s huge for me.  I see myself becoming someone new.  I am less willing to let these moments pass by without trying something different to see who I really am and what I really like.  Now let’s not get crazy – I won’t be wrestling crocodiles or swimming with sharks anytime soon (sorry to disappoint you – you know who you are!), but I find it harder and harder each day to make excuses not to live.  Life is becoming more than just getting from one day to the next.  It’s an adventure and I’m less afraid to take big leaps and see what happens.

As both the next year without Brent and the actual New Year begins, I will not be making a list of New Year’s resolutions like I normally do.  They are usually filled with things that are sometimes meaningful but don’t really have anything to do with who I am as a person.  The truth is that I can make a resolution to lose 50 lbs. and this does not make me skinny.  But if I resolve to become healthier…so much more happens for me physically, emotionally and spiritually.  So this year, I will be making a list of New Year’s Becomings.  For example, I will become even more brave.  I will become more compassionate.  I will become a better listener.  I will become a more attentive friend. The common thread of these becomings is that once they are accomplished, these are all things that cannot be undone easily and certainly not by anyone but me.  I decide.  I make my path.  The only one stopping me is me…and I’m done standing in my own way.

As my friend Rob often says “I think 2015 is my year.”  I’m going to make this my year…another 31,536,000 moments without Brent…but I will make sure that each moment will be breathtaking.  Each moment will define me.  Each moment will bring me closer to becoming the person I am meant to become.  Won’t it be fun to see what happens next??  Happy New Year!